advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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