tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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