i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
