Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
