i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
