I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
