There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
