how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
