Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
