I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize