Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
