I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
