I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
