I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize