Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
