i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Green mimosas i think yes
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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