everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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