Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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