Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
