sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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