Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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