Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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