True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
