Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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