meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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