Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
