Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You were trust falling into bushes
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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