Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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