My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
