I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
