I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
