textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
