He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
