I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I've blown a few things in my day
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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