I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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