I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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