Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You left your phone here
Wait...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
