then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Jerry, you need to find god
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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