Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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