Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He passed out mid-signature
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
