i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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