I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Randomize
