Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
