hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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