saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Too much gin, very little bucket
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize