Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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