Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
