you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
