Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
babies were throwing up all over the place
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
