My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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