STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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