Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
