I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
