Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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