She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
