her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
