Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
