Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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