i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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