Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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